Is It Love or a Visa?
- Lina Gabbaoan
- Apr 6
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 24
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Moving Abroad for a Relationship
You’ve met someone special. The connection feels real. They live in Europe and now the idea of applying for a partner visa is on the table.
Your heart is racing with both excitement and fear.
“Is this love?” you wonder.
“Or am I rushing into something I might not fully understand?”
If this is where you are, I see you. And you’re not alone.
As someone who’s personally migrated for love and now helps others do the same, I know how emotionally layered this decision can be. Love doesn’t always come with clarity. But you can give yourself the space to slow down and ask the right questions.
Here are a few gentle reflections to help you begin.
1. Do I know who I am outside of this relationship?
When we fall in love, we sometimes lose sight of ourselves. But moving to another country, possibly leaving behind your job, community, and identity, will test that.
Before making the move, ask:
Who am I outside of this partnership?
What do I want for myself in the next 1–2 years?
If this relationship didn’t work out, would I still want to live in this country?
Loving someone doesn’t mean giving up you.
2. Have I seen how my partner handles conflict, stress, or frustration?
It’s easy to fall for someone’s best self during holidays, calls, or visits. But relationships grow or break based on how partners handle the hard stuff.
Have you witnessed how your partner:
Responds when you say “no”?
Takes responsibility when they make a mistake?
Talks about past relationships or exes?
Shows respect for your culture, boundaries, and values?
If most of your connection is based on promises about the future (“We’ll be so happy when you’re here...”), try to gently ground the relationship in reality before moving.
3. Is there an emotional or financial power imbalance?
Power dynamics in visa-based relationships are real. If your ability to stay in a country depends on your partner, whether through marriage, cohabitation, or family reunification, it can create subtle but heavy emotional pressure.
You may feel like your voice, choices, or boundaries are compromised by the fear of losing your home, access to your children, or even your legal status.
Trust me on this, especially if your visa status is being used to keep you quiet, compliant, or emotionally dependent. This is not just a difficult relationship. This can become a form of coercive control. The manipulation may sound like:
“Without me, you’ll be sent home.”
“Don’t talk back or I’ll withdraw support.”
“You should be grateful, you’re only here because of me.”
And when children are involved, the emotional stakes are even higher. You may feel paralyzed by fear of losing custody, of being separated, or of not knowing your rights. You may stay silent because you’ve been made to believe you have no other choice.
But here’s the truth: You do have rights. You are not powerless. Even in countries with strict immigration laws, there are often protective policies in place for those experiencing domestic abuse or manipulation, especially when children are involved.
This is why legal awareness is a form of emotional empowerment. If any of this feels familiar, know this:
You are not alone.
You are not imagining it.
And you are not crazy for wanting freedom, peace, or dignity.
You deserve to feel safe, not just physically, but emotionally, legally, and spiritually. No relationship, no matter the paperwork, should cost you your self-worth or safety.
You deserve to feel:
Emotionally safe and independent
Financially aware and empowered
Respected and equal in your decisions
This is not about doubting love. It’s about protecting your future self from isolation and dependence.
4. Have we talked openly about lifestyle, gender roles, and expectations?
It’s not just about location; it’s about life. Different cultures carry different assumptions about marriage, finances, family roles, and intimacy.
Have you talked honestly about:
Who takes care of what at home?
How do you both view family, religion, or raising children?
Whether you can still work, study, or grow personally after migration?
If these conversations feel “too heavy,” that’s worth paying attention to. Life abroad can magnify unspoken expectations.
5. If something goes wrong, do I know how to protect myself?
It’s okay to love someone and still prepare for the unexpected. In fact, it’s wise.
Know your rights. Know your visa conditions. Make copies of everything. Keep your documents safe and accessible. Have support back home or within a community abroad, even if it’s just one person. This individual can be your lifeline when things do not turn out as you had hoped.
Love should never require you to stay in a relationship that hurts you.
Please know that,
It’s okay to want love.
It’s okay to dream.
But it’s also okay to pause and say:
“Before I say yes to a new life, I want to make sure I won’t lose myself in the process.”
If this stirred something in you…
You’re invited to talk it through with someone who’s been there.
I offer Pre-Visa Emotional Clarity Coaching for women and partners preparing for this life-altering decision.
Let’s make sure your next step is grounded in self-love and emotional safety.
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